We’re all familiar with the adage that in order to change, we have to want to change, but it turns out that in order to truly change, we also have to be willing to acknowledge our changes.

You would think that if we want to change -- for example let go of grief or change a behavioral pattern -- and it actually <i>does</i> change -- we would be open, willing, and aware of our changes, even celebrating them. But oddly, that often turns out not to be the case.

In fact, what we often see with the Healthy Grieving process is that there are significant changes in people’s lives, but they are largely unaware of them until they are asked to put their attention there. And even then, they sometimes have trouble articulating the ways they have changed or what is different in their lives.

Now some of this, surely, is due to the crazy and distracted lives we lead, taking so little time away from work or TV or email or texts or Facebook or other distractions to actually check in with ourselves and/or cultivate self-awareness.

Some of it may also be that it’s hard to believe that something as pervasive as held grief could be gone so quickly and easily in one simple session.

And then there’s the sort of “uh-oh” moment of discomfort as we realize we are changing or have changed and the fear of the unknown that may engender. I am reminded of a woman we took through the Healthy Grieving process who lost her husband at a young age and had basically been grieving him for 20+ years.  She had known herself as a grieving widow most of her adult life.  Who would she be without this as the central fact of her life? Who would she be if she really let this go and moved on? The simple fact is that as much as we might say or believe that we want to change, we are also uncomfortable with change.

But some of it  -- maybe most of it --  is due to unconscious self-identity patterns, where we have known ourselves so long as one thing that it actually requires time, effort and self-awareness to acknowledge that we are no longer that.

We have never been taught that <i>in order to really change, we must be willing to acknowledge our changes --</i>consciously acknowledge them -- in order to actually experience ourselves in new ways.

It is a very common phenomenon for us to take someone through the Healthy Grieving process and at the end of the session, they will say they feel so much better.  So much lighter.  Relieved.  Breathing differently.  Have let go of a big weight. Things feel so different to them.

When we check in a week or two later, and ask how they’re doing in relation to what they grieved they will say, “I’m good.”  “Fine.”  “So much better.”  But when asked to be more specific or <i>to identify what has changed,</i> they often struggle --even people who we think of as inwardly-focused or self-aware such as counselors, therapists, people who meditate, do yoga, have a spiritual practice.

We often have to ask a series of questions to lead them into awareness, and as they answer the questions, they begin to realize, “Wow, this really is different. I really am different. Something significant has really changed.” But until we draw their attention to what has changed, they don’t actually realize it.

An integral part of the Healthy Grieving process is taking the time to become aware of our changes and define our self as those changes to make us conscious of the new experience of ourselves and integrate our changes into our experience of ourselves.

Without taking time to articulate the ways we’ve changed, we aren’t fully aware of them; and therefore can’t fully own them, embody them, integrate them, or incorporate them into a new experience of our self.

The bottom line? In order for <i>our internal experience of our self</i> <i>to change</i>, we need to slow down and take the time to acknowledge and articulate our changes.