One of our Healthy Grieving trainers recently made a presentation about resistance. She explained resistance as a negative reaction to anything that threatens how we see and experience ourselves or how we see and experience the world -- that which shakes the foundation of how we understand things and how we believe or want to believe things actually are. Resistance is our unwillingness to know the truth of a situation or feel our feelings.

She said that in her experience there are two types of resistance, which she named Big R Resistance and little r resistance.

In her definition, Big R Resistance describes people who are close-minded, entrenched in their opinions, perspective, beliefs and world views. They are not open to the possibility of seeing things in new ways or to the possibility that their views might be limited or wrong.  Their need to maintain their reality is stronger than the desire to know the truth, stronger than their desire to heal or change; indeed they are afraid of change and perceive change as a threat. Any push or challenge causes them to shut down, become defensive or lash out. For people who are generally resistant to change, the Healthy Grieving process is not a good fit because the process engenders a profound change – a shift in one’s experience of oneself.

On the other hand, the experience of resistance with a little “r” is often part and parcel of the Healthy Grieving experience. This is to be expected because the Healthy Grieving process works at the level of self-identity, and when people feel their self-identity is at risk, resistance is a normal response.

The last blog is a good example of resistance with a little “r” – wherein a sincere, open-minded person who was willing -- indeed <i>seeking</i> – change, experienced resistance in the face of a big self-identity being threatened and exposed.

For people who are open to change, the experience of resistance with a small “r”  feels more like, “I’m really scared about looking at what’s coming up for me. I don’t know what to anticipate; I’m kind of freaked out and my instinct is to go into protection mode.” However, at the same time, there is a<i> willingness – </i>even in the face of the fear – to face what is coming up.

It is not whether one has resistance that dictates whether one can do the deep work of the Healthy Grieving Process, but rather how big and how entrenched the resistance is. Underneath the resistance is there a willingness to move forward or is one generally threatened by and averse to change?”

When asked what to do in the face of resistance, the trainer responded from her own experience. “When I am in resistance but somewhere in me I have a desire to move through it to see the underlying truth (in other words, it’s little r resistance), the first step is that I have to be willing <i>to be aware that I am feeling threatened</i>, to know that <i>that</i> is my discomfort and that is why I am reactive. Next I have to be willing to <i>admit</i> that I am in resistance and to recognize that for what it is: my unwillingness to see, feel or know something.

If I am not willing to do those two things, I am going to be so wrapped up in my own story, defensiveness and projection – or whatever mechanism I am using to protect and shelter myself – that I won’t be able to move beyond that.

For me, the next step in overcoming resistance is  to be <i>willing to accept that I feel threatened</i> – to be <i>honest</i> about that piece of it – and to be willing to look into why and <i>investigate what is so threatening to me.</i>

And then it’s a <i>choice</i> I have to make, “Am I willing to be open to facing whatever it is I absolutely don’t want to see? Am I willing to explore, with an open mind, whether or not there is truth in what I am avoiding and am I open to letting go of my position and opening up to the possibility of having a different experience of myself?  Am I willing to move past the stuck-ness and discomfort of where I am now to get to something else, something new?

“Also what really helps me move through resistance is that I know I have been in this situation before. If I can remember <i>that every time I’ve been willing to face whatever </i>it is I am avoiding, I always come out the other side and find myself freer, more grounded, more expansive.<i> </i> I discover that <i>the very thing</i> (thought, position, self-identity, desire, belief, etc.)  <i>I thought was protecting me was actually keeping me trapped.”</i>

When asked how she handles resistance when she encounters it in a client, the trainer said the following:
<ul>
	<li>Since I have done the work on myself (which is imperative with this modality) and know resistance so well as my own experience, I can clearly recognize it in a client.</li>
	<li>Because I have been there, I come from a place of understanding and empathy.</li>
	<li>My approach is to help the client understand that what s/he is experiencing<i> is</i> resistance --which is very easy for the client to lose sight of because the nature of resistance is that you don’t have awareness.</li>
	<li>I assure them that what they are feeling is normal; that resistance often shows up in the Healthy Grieving Process because it is such deep work and because a self-identity is always at stake in letting go of something we have been holding onto.</li>
	<li>I remind them that <b><i>this is the process of getting free. </i></b>This is how it unfolds. We start by feeling/fearing that our self is at stake -- and we want to protect it at all costs -- so we resist.       I help them understand that resistance is just one of the steps or stages in the process and this is what it feels like . . . <i>and we can make the choice to move through it. To keep going.”</i></li>
</ul>
Asked if resistance ever goes away, the trainer answered, “The truth is, it can come up at any time, depending on how big a self-identity is at stake in the letting go process.  Rather than looking for resistance to go away, a healthier approach is to understand our own relationship to resistance and how we respond to it when it arises. Then we can recognize it for what it is, recognize our own pattern in relation to it and <i>choose</i> how we will respond.

It is important to recognize that it<i> is</i> a choice<i>. </i> Because often, we don’t even realize we <i>have</i> a choice… until we choose.

Last week’s blog was a perfect illustration of this dynamic. The subject was stuck and lost and resistant and angry and confused  . . . until something in him wanted to know what was underneath his reaction more than he didn’t want to know.

At which point he chose to see and feel what he had been avoiding.

And was able to set himself free.